06/13/26: hyperfixating on nothing
for around 1 year and 5 months now, i have not had a hyperfixation on anything. i've had adhd my whole life, and up until this period, i've spent pretty much my entire waking days hyperfixated on something. my hyperfixations have pretty much defined my life; i was obsessed with them, i made them my personality, everything i did was because of a hyperfixation, pretty much. now that i dont have one, i have mixed feelings. i really miss loving something and being obsessed with it. its undeniably so fun. i loved being hyperfixated on something! the rush of obsessively trying to learn anything and everything about something was like no other. but on the other hand, i feel like at a certain point that they defined who i am.i kinda made them my whole personality, and now without them, i feel like im left behind to figure out who i am without them. i think i'm getting there, but it's been pretty hard.
i've been trying pretty hard to get a hyperfixation back. me and my partner have played more games and watched more movies and tv shows in the past year and a half than i have in my entire life, honestly. no matter what though, nothing has ever sparked anything in me like it used to in the past. now i feel like i've got all the negative symptoms of adhd, and none of the 'fun' ones.
i don't really know where im going with this, i guess i just wanted to rant about such a weird period of my life. i've never heard of someone with adhd having this long of a period in between hyperfixations, so i feel like im kinda going crazy haha.
05/21/26: mustache yearning
i don't really consider myself "transgender", even though i technically identify as non-binary. i don't fully identify with being a girl anymore, and i've changed my pronouns(despite the fact that no one really uses them...), but i feel pretty much completely fine with how i look, gender presentation wise... except for ONE thing. a mustache!! i genuinely feel saddened when i realize i don't exactly have a visible mustache. sure, i've got a very tiny one growing in that's barely visible, but when i see other people with mustaches more visible than mine, i get jealous. it's weird. i've tried to make it more visible in the past by using mascara, but it just ended up smearing and looking really messy looking. i think i would look great with a mustache, and it would make me a lot happier to have one, but i also worry about the people around me. mainly family, i know my friends wouldn't care. but i still live with my parents, and if my mom hates the idea of me not shaving my armpits, then i have a feeling that a mustache is out of the question. i would probably have to wait until i eventually move out again with my partner... oh well.
05/01/26: back from romania
its almost 7 am right now but ive been up for hours, because im jet lagged as hell. i just got back from visiting romania to see my beautiful partner and i had the best time ever!!!!!!! getting to see them for the first time and being able to just do normal couple things like kissing and cuddling was so so so nice... we did so much stuff too!! we went to therme, i went to eastern european comic con for the first time, which was AWESOME. their comic con culture is so much different than how it is back home, and that's for the better. their community was so much more welcoming, and i LOVE that they had a con dj. i spent hours dancing and it was so fun!! there were two things the con didnt have that i like about my local cons: panels and parties. the con having basically no panels at all other than celebrity ones was kinda crazy, and the con ended at 7pm every day, so no parties/drinking culture or anything like that. which is great for some peope dont get me wrong, but i like to party!! getting hammered in cosplay and then going to see sexually charged cosplay performances was a real highlight for me back home, but the more chill culture at eecc was also pretty nice, i cant lie.
of course, through everything i just had the most fun ever being with my beautiful wonderful pookie... going to gush about them now. hi case if ur reading this. they r sooo sweet...... every word and touch just oozed love and affection and it made me giggle!!! case always listens whenever im sad, or when im tweaking, or when i just need to talk ..... and they r soooo smart!! i cant even count the amount of things ive learned from them, or had them explain to me like im 5 LOL. i love them sooo much and im so excited to see them later this year!!
03/24/26: updates on life
my first blog post! i haven't written one of these in over two years, but that changes right freaking now. quick life updates: living at my parents house again (bad), going to go visit my partner in romania in like 3 weeks (good), and i have a job(also good)! exapnding on the first bit: i had to move back in with my parents after graduating university as i couldn't find a job. i live in the middle of nowhere, so moving back there after being used to city life for about two years really sucked. i dont have a driver's license(or a car) at the moment, so transiting up to visit friends or go out takes over an hour!!! i may be saving a lot of money, but inconvenience seems like a 20-foot wall to climb over to do anything when you're unmedicated. i miss going out to the gay club and getting their shitty cheap from-the-tap margaritas... i miss going to the straight club with good djs where i can watch frat guys play pool!! i have always been a party girl, but recently its been hard.
on a brighter note, i am going to visit my partner and see them irl for the first time in april!! we are long distance (canada and romania... yikes) and have been dating for over a year now, which is still so crazy to me. it's my longest relationship ever! ill be there for a full two weeks, so i hope that's plenty of time... but either way, im really excited for it. my job at a local grocery store is funding this trip, and for once in my life i don't actually hate my job at all! so that really helps. i guess the next time i update this blog will be once i come back... which hopefully wont be too sad of an entry LOL.